I roll over and groan. A wet kiss greets me from the other side of the bed. Susan must have bought some sort of clover perfume …

“Bloody hell!”

At first I think I must have done something to pissed off a mobster or something because there’s a horse head in my bed. Then I see that it’s attached to a horse body. My sigh of relief lasts only a moment as the neighbour from below begins to bellow about a flood.

So that’s what it means to piss like a race horse!

“Scratchy, what are you doing in here?”

I look around for Susan. For once I’m glad she’s not here. I don’t really recall bringing the horse upstairs. I mean, yeah, the blokes and I had rather a lot to drink last night but I think that’s excusable since it was sort of a celebratory evening … Ernie’s birthday, Zach’s pre bachelor party and my early birthday toast.

The last thing I remember, some bloke with a spaghetti moustache punched me in the face and expelled me from the bar. I reach up and touch my face. Yep, split lip. I wish I could say you should see the other guy but somehow I think I lost. The last thing I can remember is something about a glue factory and how it’s against the health and safety regulations to have a horse in a pub.

We didn’t get Zach married off but I remember Ernie joking that he could marry Scratchy while looking for any clauses in the contract that would permit such a union. I think Wayne told Zach that it would be preferable to marrying me. Good times!

Susan’s going to kill me. But desperate times call for desperate measures and those silk pillowcases her maiden aunt sent us as an engagement present stick to my skin and leave silly embroidered flower patterns all over my face for hours after I wake up. And they’re itchy. And pink. And well, if I don’t get a bag over Scratchy’s tail in a minute, the guy downstairs is going to have more than a flood on his hands.

So Scratchy, my very male horse stands in my bedroom with a large pink bag hanging from his tail. And just in time, too. Those pink cases might be ugly, but they’re manure proof at least.

I swipe my hands over my face and focus on a little note on the bedside table.

Dear Justin,

Hannah and I are working late. The hangover potion is in the second cupboard on the left. We need to talk about your new roommate. He ate the shower curtain. And Justin, please, you need to get rid of that book. I know you hoped to sell it but I bumped into Padma the other day and she was worried. And don’t skip out on your appointment with her this afternoon.

Love you, Susan

What? No happy birthday, Justin? No hints like last year of what we’re going to do tonight … Ugh, I think I’ll go and get that hangover potion.

After I take the hangover potion I decide that actually, it was a pretty good present in itself. I feel much better. I don’t want to see Padma today, well, not at the hospital anyway. It’s my birthday for Merlin’s sake. But if I don’t go, Susan’ll know. I mean, I’m a grown up, I can tell my ribs are healed and my brain seems to be in the right place … as right as it’s ever been.

The letter on the table flips itself over and starts to read itself in Susan’s warning tone.

“And Justin, don’t even think of skiving off of your appointment with Padma. Wayne flooed and said you’d been brawling last night when Padma specifically told you not to do anything strenuous with your ribs.

I’m a little insulted. I’d have thought what Susan and I did Wednesday night would have been considered strenuous and she didn’t complain then.

I step into the shower as Scratchy comes into the room. I turn the water on and begin to lather up.

“Whoa! I’ll do that myself!” I say to Scratchy, grabbing the reigns and leading him out of the room as soap pours into my eyes from my hair. I close the door and let the steam wake me up.

I reach for the robe on the railing. Pink Susan’s. That’s odd. She usually wears this out of the loo after her shower. I put it on and open the door.

“Ben!” I yell, completely startled. I draw the robes completely about my body.

“Two-fer!” Ben shouts before shutting himself up by covering his mouth with his hands, his eyes bugging out of his head.

“Two-fer?” I ask, my eyes narrowed.

“Erm, er. Well, you see, it was like this. I needed to use the loo and I didn’t hear anyone home and I just sort of …”

I think my eyes just disappeared into my forehead. It’s going to take a gallon of Botox and a crowbar to get them down. Is he saying what I think he’s saying? Okay, Justin, just be calm. It’s not what you think …

“And, you’re a lucky man …” Ben stammers. Well, he stammers but has the audacity to make it seem like a college joke or something by sticking out his hand for me to shake.

RIBBET!

“Ben! I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking!”

Ben looks up at me with his bulging eyes and leaps out of the way of Scratchy’s hooves just in time.

“You arse! I said I was sorry!” Ben yells as he unfolds from the floor. Just because you can turn someone into a frog doesn’t mean you should!”

He’s right. On both accounts. I know Ben wouldn’t purposely try to see Susan naked and I’ve got to stop turning him into a frog every time he acts like a git.

“I’m sorry,” I say, offering my hand this time. He takes it. His hand is still kind of clammy from having been a frog but he gets over it quickly.

“You’re lucky I’m the forgiving sort,” he tells me. He reaches into his rucksack and draws out a package that’s wrapped in Muggle comic newsprint. I open it.

“Wow, Ben.” It’s a mp-3 player. Ben knows I’m not much of a fan of the WW and I’m speechless. I look down, not knowing what else to say. His toes are still sticking out of his trainers and I’m standing here with a brand new mp-3 player.

I’m still not thrilled about Ben seeing Susan naked. Not too thrilled that she didn’t tell me, either, but I’ll get past it. I toss a pair of extra trainers to Ben as I close my bedroom door. We’re about the same size. Neither of us say anything about this. It’s how it’s always been.

Once dressed, I have to start to thinking about what to do with Scratchy.

“Want to go horseback riding?” I ask Ben.

“Susan says we’re not allowed to until you go see Padma,” he tells me.

“Are you serious!” I yell. “Since when does Susan think I need a minder?”

Ben takes a note from his tattered pocket.

“Hm, I guess this morning. It says, Dear Ben, please make sure Justin goes to see Padma this afternoon.

“Dear? Since when does Susan call you dear?” I’m absolutely incredulous.

Ben looks at the letter again as if for an answer. “Well, she wrote it this morning as far as I can recall, this morning would be the first time.”

We really need to get Ben a flat of his own. And the horse. A stable I mean. Yeah, not a flat.

“You win, dear,” I say, looking at picture of Susan, a particularly angelic one of her at her cousin’s wedding in a green dress with lace. I could swear she winked!

I rummage through my closet for something decent to wear to see Padma. I’ve ruined so many clothes lately rummaging in the tunnels with Wayne that it looks like I have some shopping to do. I manage to find a white collared shirt and some black jeans.

“Okay, Ben, I’ll see you later. I’m going to see Padma.”

Ben follows me to the door.

“Alone, Ben.”

Ben unfolds the note and taps it with hand. “Says here I’m to go with you.”

“Then who’s going to watch Scratchy?” I ask.

“Bring him,” says Ben.

By the time we stand outside St Mungo’s, people are gawking at the horse. I’ve always thought it was stupid to have the entrance off of a Muggle thoroughfare. I mean, I could park a damn Hippogriff in the Magical world and no one would care but bring one horse to Muggle London without permit and everyone’s got something to say about it.

So, Ben and I step into the lobby through the ugly shop front window with Scratchy.

“This is not a Care of Magical Creatures Class, young man!” Yells a Mediwitch, shaking her wand with the crossed bones on it at me.

“Well that’s good to know. Scratchy’s not a magical creature,” I reason.

Ben reaches up and winds his fingers around and around his head, indicating that I’m mental. The Mediwitch nods at him and whispers to keep me here in the lobby while she finds some orderlies.

In the meantime Scratchy and I ride the lift to Padma’s floor with Ben. The four other patients in the lift don’t appreciate us much I don’t think. One mumbles from beneath bandages wound around his head while the other three stand with their healer clucking like chickens.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Shite! Weight capacity!

“Unstable passenger on lift number eleven! Lift exceeds capacity!” comes a disembodied voice from the loud speaker.

Yes, these people do seem rather unstable, I agree to myself.

“She means you,” Ben points out.

“Me!” I say, deeply offended. I can’t afford to get into trouble today. If Padma finds out I put a horse on the lift, she’ll tell Susan.

The door screeches open just as I’m about to Confund whoever I find on the other side.

“Padma! How nice to see you!”

“This is going to cost you, Finch-Fletchley,” Padma tells me before turning to the closely pursuing security orderlies and calling them off, telling them she will see to it that I make it to the mental health ward.

“But Padma! It’s my birthday!”

“You did the crime, you do the time, Justin,” Padma smiles at me. “Besides, look how happy the kids look seeing Scratchy here. Some pony rides will be just the thing to brighten their day.”

How can I say no now? Ben starts the kiddie rides while I follow Padma to her office.

Before Padma starts the examination, she picks up some floo powder and calls out the address of Susan’s Floo at the Ministry.

“Right on time, Susan,” Padma calls.

“Pst! Padma, don’t tell her about Scratch …”

“And he’s going to do some community service out of the goodness of his heart after his appointment, too,” Padma adds as I hear Susan thank her for the call and tell me to be good.

What am I five?

Padma tells me to take my shirt off and as I drape it on the exam table, I notice for the first time that she looks tired.

“Padma, what’s up?” I ask.

“I’ll be asking the questions, Justin,” Padma tells me, giving me a tired smile.

My lip mends with one swish of her wand and I’m told to hold my breath as her wand passes over my chest reflecting my ribcage on the wall.

“Your ribs have mended nicely,” she tells me. “I’d tell you that you can resume your normal routine, but I know you’ve already started that.”

Padma fills out some paperwork on my chart and sits down while I put my shirt back on. She swipes her hands over her eyes.

“What’s the matter? Am I going to die?” I joke

A tear slips from Padma’s eye.

“Oh Merlin, Padma I’m sorry! I was joking! You know me!” Damn me!

“It’s not you, Justin,” Padma sniffles. “I’m just tired. A little boy was brought in the other day and well, he … I just couldn’t …”

“Padma, I’m sorry. I’m sure you did everything you could.” I put my hand on her shoulder and we walk out of the room. Curse me for ever complaining about having to spend an afternoon making a child happier.

After Ben and I have given every child at least three rides on Scratchy, the head healer kicks us out and tries to give Padma a hard time for allowing a beast in the hospital. I think that fight was just the thing to give Padma back her fire after her tragic day at work the other day.

Once back at the flat, Ben tells me he has somewhere to go. I know he’s lying. He knows it’s my birthday and he wants to give Susan and I some alone time. I know he has no money left so I try to give him some.

“Mind if I borrow Scratchy?” Ben asks.

I lend Ben my horse. I will deal with what to do with my mother’s gift tomorrow. I know Ben probably will bring that horse to wherever he brings his winter clothing and spends most of his time when I can’t find him. But I know he’ll take care of him. I toss Ben the spare pink pillowcase.

“Justin!” Susan is at the door as soon as Ben leaves. She pecks me on the cheek, asks me how my appointment with Padma went and goes to shower.

I think she forgot …